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Tips for Parenting Perfectionist Gifted ChildrenTips to Avoid All-or-Nothing Thinking and Develop a Growth Mindset
Specific parenting strategies help gifted perfectionists avoid dichotomous thinking, face challenges without harsh self-criticism, and strive for personal excellence.
Perfectionist children are never satisfied with good enough. If they are not the best, don’t get 100%, or can’t figure out a problem effortlessly and immediately, then their all-or-nothing thinking dictates that they must be dumb losers wasting their efforts. Cognitive psychologist Carol Dweck terms this the fixed mindset. This dangerous thinking leads to unrealistic expectations, low self-esteem, and underachievement. For the perfectionist, it is better to avoid a challenge than risk failure. Dichotomous thinking insists that anything less than perfection must be complete failure. Developing a Growth Mindset- Tackling All-or-Nothing (Dichotomous) ThinkingAn alternative exists in the growth mindset, where failure is an opportunity to learn and grow. Gifted children with a growth mindset strive for personal excellence, without the burden of unachievable goals of perfection. While a growth mindset is not the natural approach for a perfectionist, Dweck’s research shows that mindset is learned and can be modified with effort. Parents and teachers can help perfectionist kids develop a growth mindset by:
Don’t Praise Results, Encourage EffortParents should learn to encourage gifted children’s efforts rather than abilities or performance. It may seem counterintuitive, but praise is highly detrimental to a perfectionist. In an effort to bolster self-esteem and halt self-criticism, a perfectionist’s parent may tout recent successes. This just reinforces a perfectionist’s self-concept that worth is dependent on performance. A parent should emphasize the effort that went into an accomplishment rather than the product. Rather than saying, “What do you mean you should have done better? You got an “A” on that paper! You are a smart kid. Stop beating yourself up,” parents should focus on the process behind the success. Constructive encouragement might be, “You really did your research for that project. Your hard work paid off.” When a high grade comes easily, stress the growth that led to the success. “That math test would have been a real challenge last year. You’ve been paying attention in class!” For a gifted underachiever, keep the focus on effort. Draw a link between work and personal growth, rather than heaping more negativity on top of a perfectionist’s own belittlement. Opportunities to Build Small Successes and Experience Small FailuresWhen a perfectionist doesn’t perform well at a new task, a frequent response is to give up. A perfectionist believes that abilities are fixed; if it does not come easily then he must not have talent. Seek opportunities that require practice for skill development. When a gifted perfectionist doesn’t compose a master concerto the first time she sits at a piano or score the winning goal at the first soccer game, parents shouldn’t let the perfectionist child quit. Remind them that that innate talent only takes a person only so far and the most successful in any field work hard to get there. Reading biographies can help a gifted perfectionist set realistic expectations. Nobel prize winners aren’t born espousing theory. Excellence requires practice, hard work, and the ability to learn from mistakes. When seeking practice opportunities, parents should follow their gifted child’s personal interests and avoid high stakes endeavors that may add stress. Pick tasks that require work for incremental improvement, where the gifted perfectionist won’t encounter immediate success. Emphasize Personal Growth Rather than Top PerformanceThe perfectionist is rarely satisfied with their personal best. Perfectionists are always comparing themselves to top performers. Often a perfectionist child uses an inappropriate yardstick for performance, such as the work of a professional who has spent years on a task. Parents need to keep a gifted perfectionist focused on incremental personal growth towards their personal best and help the child set goals accordingly. By modeling a growth mindset, focusing encouragement on effort, and stressing growth rather than performance, parents can help gifted children moderate the most negative aspects of perfectionism. Additional articles on the definition, causes, and risks of procrastination along with strategies to cope with perfectionist procrastination are listed in "Gifted Perfectionism." This article is generally informed by the following resources: Dweck, Carol. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. 2006. Pyryt, Michael. “Helping Gifted Students Cope with Perfectionism.” NAGC June 2004. “Tips for Parents: Perfectionism Resources.” Davidson Institute for Talent Development 2002.
The copyright of the article Tips for Parenting Perfectionist Gifted Children in Parenting a Gifted Child is owned by Carla Marie Boulianne. Permission to republish Tips for Parenting Perfectionist Gifted Children in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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